School and stuff

School started Monday.

I'm a senior now.

What's up with that? When did that happen?

It's okay, so far. I mean... it's school.

I'm taking Symphonic Band, English 4 Honors Online, AP Calculus BC, and Madrigal Singers.

I'm figuring out how to work the whole online class thing. It's not that hard.

I heard that a guy I used to like was gay.

He's not. I asked him.

Ho hum. Such is life.

I got a text from this OTHER guy who I'm totally into right now that said he wanted to hook up with me sometime.

I'm pretty excited about that.

I have to park my car in a ridiculous fashion to appease my father. Who does a 3-point turn to get into a parking space? Anyway, I ran over some flowers today while parking.

I told him it would happen eventually.

I'm working on getting in the habit of practicing every day.

It's a process. I hate developing new habits intentionally. But it needs to be done.

Maybe I'll go to one of those concerts that Gaither keeps sending facebook invites to. It'd be cool to see him again, and maybe some other GSE people, too.

I'll see if Kayla wants to go with me.

By the way, I'm feeling a lot better from my previous post. I posted it on facebook, too, and a lot of people offered me advice and support and all that good stuff.

People like me! :)

Anyway. I'm going to go now.

Ciao.

Uncertainty

So...

I'm having faith issues.

And I don't know why...

Like... I do believe that Jesus is the son of God and that he's coming again, etc.

I've asked Jesus into my heart.

I meant it when I asked for it.

I see evidence of God's awesomeness every day, so that's not in question.

I don't feel that I do bad things...

I don't feel like I pray as much as I should (basically, it's prayers at night with my little brother. Sometimes. And if I'm really nervous about something), but I intend to pray more. I just hope I actually keep this resolution...

I'm gay. That's a whole issue on its own... I used to think I'd resolved that. In theory, I have. In reality, I'm afraid that I'm justifying my sin? (If it's a sin? I still can't believe that it is. But... there's always that nagging sense of guilt. Is that my conscience? Is that God? Is He speaking through my conscience?)

Why do I feel so uncertain about everything?

My aunt believes that my wreck was God's way of trying to get my attention. Well... I'm paying attention now. What is it?

Why can't this be simple?

I still have issues talking about my faith... I think that's because Lillian was such a negative influence, and all of her shit was about her twisted view of Christianity.

There are so many people that have done so many horrible things in the name of God.

Is that why I get annoyed with those little pamphlets that people leave in bathroom stalls? With televangelists? With people praying out loud? I sometimes feel like they're all done for pretentious reasons. Like... I feel that praying is a private matter, and praying in front of other people is sometimes done more for show rather than for actual religious reasons.

But if something is private, usually there's a reason that you don't want people there.

Why should I feel that it's something to hide? I don't feel I'm hiding it, but I don't want to feel like I'm putting up a front.

I don't want to be one of those people that just goes through the motions.

I'm so confused...

I really wish I could just have a spoken conversation with God where he would say specifically to me, without any room for interpretation: "This is what you're doing right in your life, and this is what I want you to change. Here's your checklist for the rest of your life. Follow it: that's my plan for you. I'll check in later to see if you have any questions."

I feel a little better after writing this.

If anybody reads this, please pray for me. I'm not sure what's going on right now.

I don't care about titles right now.

I have a new role model: Matthew Mitcham!

In addition to being the only out gay man at the Olympics right now, he's also a gold medalist at said Olympics. There aren't enough positive gay role models.

I get this little rush of joy every time I discover a new one. I don't know why, but I do.

Have I mentioned that he's cute? And I'm jealous of his partner?

Lachlan, if you ever read this (Why you would be reading this, I don't know... Nobody else does. Not that I care. It's more something to do than anything else. That would be cool for someone to read this though... HEY!!!!! YOU OUT THERE!!!!! READ MY STUFF!!!!! *crickets chirp* Oh well. Continuing...) I hope you realize how lucky you are to be dating a cute Olympic athlete who looks good in a speedo.

I'm going to imagine Matthew Mitcham as a wholesome, fun-loving guy who is devoted to his sport and is a genuinely nice person who cares about other people, and who thinks highly of his friends. The kind of person who thinks, "Wow! I'm really glad I'm friends with so-and-so. I value them as a person, and I enjoy their company. I'm lucky to have met them and have them as a part of my life!" And of course, he's be such a nice person that all his friends think the same thing about him.

Oh anonymous future boyfriend... wherever you are, take notes from my imaginations depiction of Mr. Mitcham. This is a good example for you to follow.

That would be so awesome if he turns out to be like that... God, I hope I get to meet him some day.

Maybe I'll be a famous concert pianist by then!

That means I should practice more.

I started looking at college audition requirements the other day...

They're scary.

My audition repertoire right now is this:

Prelude and Fugue in C major, Well Tempered Clavier Book 1- J. S. Bach

Sonata Op. 27 No. 2 "Moonlight"- Ludwig van Beethoven (The entire thing, not just the first movement)

Two Rhapsodies, Op. 79- Johannes Brahms (I've got the second one almost down, and then it occurred to me yesterday that I should probably learn the first one, too. I'm going to start on that...)

Etude Op. 10 No. 14 "Revolutionary"- Frederic Chopin (Scary. But It's coming very nicely.)

The Sunken Cathedral- Claude Debussy

I shall mix and match as colleges deem necessary.

I plan to audition (at the moment, this changes frequently) at:

Oberlin

UNC-G

Indiana University

University of Michigan

Northwestern University (Maybe? They're REALLY expensive, and they don't offer merit scholarships. But what a school...)

Cake

Tomorrow is Elizabeth's birthday...

I made her a cake! I hadn't made a cake in a very long time. I hope it turned out okay... I haven't tasted it, yet.

The icing was delicious, though.

I even managed to not completely destroy the kitchen with a mess, which is a huge achievement for me.

I used to bake cakes a lot... then I stopped. Maybe I should start again. It's fun.

It's also a really good chance to attentively listen to podcasts on my iPod and still be productive. My unlistened-episode list is down to 6, all from Unnatural Acts of Opera.

SPEAKING of which, I killed my headphones. I turned around to put something away, and the wire caught on a counter knob, and the jack came off of the end of the wire. So my headphones are dead.

Maybe I should stop buying cheap headphones and invest some money in a REALLY good set.

Or maybe I shouldn't, because those would probably break as well.

For some reason, my "u" key doesn't work when the left shift button is held down. Watch: 

See? there are no "u"s after that colon. Here's the other shift key: UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Much more successful.

Ho hum.

TAKE A HINT, STUPID!!!!

When I told you I don't like you, I thought we could be friends.

When you couldn't get over me and bitched and whined to me about not being able to have me, I changed my mind. But I thought I could be civil to you.

When you CONTINUED TO BE IN MY PRESENCE WITH A SINGLE-MINDED OBSESSIVENESS, I categorized you as a stalker. Congratulations, you're even worse than ***** was.

How did you get my phone number? I didn't give it to you.

WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME?

STOP IT!!!

Music

So... I went to Sheetmusicplus.com today, because I need to buy music for the upcoming year and college and stuff. I put the following things into my shopping cart:

Sonata for Flute and Piano- Francis Poulenc

Flute Sonata- Paul Hindemith

Six Sonatas for Flute- J. S. Bach

The evil scale book that I don't know the name of- Paul Taffanel and Philippe Gaubert

The Well-Tempered Clavier, Book 1 (Urtext)- J. S. Bach

The Well-Tempered Clavier, Book 2 (Urtext)- J. S. Bach

Piano Sonatas, Book 1 (Urtext)- Ludwig van Beethoven

and do you know how much these are going to cost?

$188.95!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AUGH. Why should sheet music cost this much? It's not like I'm getting really off-the-wall stuff here, this is basic repertoire for flute and piano! I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY! My dad probably will not pay for it without a HUGE fuss, and it's SOOOOO annoying.

*sigh* In happier news, I've decided which Olympic athlete I'm going to marry: Alexandre Despatie, diver for Canada.

SOOO hot.

Probably not into men though... Oh well. Matthew Mitcham's really cute, too.

Why do divers have such excellent bodies? What do they do as they train?

Gertrude

I have a new car! She's a '99 (I think? Possibly a '97) Buick Century. She's burgundy. And she is MOST DEFINITELY a she. The previous owner was a smoker, so she smells like cigarette smoke, and there are cigarette burns in the carpet and the seats, and the back speaker rattles on the bass notes in some of my music, BUT SHE'S MINE! I'M FREE! I CAN (sort of) GO WHEREVER I WANT AGAIN! 

*bliss*

P.S. In case you couldn't tell, I've named her Gertrude. Hence, the title of this entry.