Forgive me...

...while I vent.

All I want is for a guy I'm interested in to be interested in me. Is that really so much to ask? It shouldn't be this difficult to find a time to talk to a guy without him being surrounded by so many people. I mean, I suppose it makes sense. He's charismatic and is a good leader. This strongly contributes to why I like him, but it also means that EVERY time I see him he's talking to somebody else, or busy doing something.

I would actually be totally fine with him not liking me. But this whole "I like you but I don't know whether or not you like me" thing is driving me up the wall. And it's my fault. I'm the one that hasn't worked up the courage to tell him that I like him. It's because I get really self-conscious around guys that I like, and also because I don't necessarily want an audience if I'm going to tell someone that I like them/ask them on a date. It's nerve-wracking enough to ask the person themselves, so who needs that added pressure?

I know I'm worrying too much about this. It's really not a big deal at all. I'm just at a point in my life where I'd like to have a significant romantic relationship with someone, especially now that I'm off somewhere that I don't have to worry quite so much about what people would think about me dating a guy. And certainly I shouldn't care at all if it bothers people. Most cases I don't, but back home I would have probably worried more that someone would say something to somebody else, and that person would tell someone, and eventually it would get back to members of my family who may not know yet. I mean, I'm not opposed to them knowing. I'd certainly rather not have to hide any part of who I am, but I'm not emotionally prepared to deal with some people finding out. I'd rather it be on my own terms.

So now here I am, nineteen hours away from home at college. I haven't been home in nearly four months, and I think I'm pretty safe as far as local gossip goes. (Although, who can tell with facebook now. Whatever.) And yet, I'm single. In the worst sense of the word.

I think I would be a good boyfriend, if I could just GET there.

I was going to talk to him tonight, but he wasn't where I thought he would be.

Monday. I have hopes for Monday.

In an unrelated topic, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I alternate between being terrified by this, and being totally fine with it.

Just let me sing. I want everything else to go away, so I can sing.

I really can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving.