My friend, K, is going to the naval academy. I'm so incredibly proud of him, but during the course of the party he mentioned that one of the other guests walks the same "Indian path" as me. He said this in a very conspiratorial tone, and although he understood that the guy wasn't really my type, the terminology he chose amuses me to end. Indian path? Really? Naturally, this conjures images of me wandering through the woods, looking for someone walking along the same path. Of course, there's another path several miles to the right with tons and tons of people walking on it, to the point that all the plants have been trampled asunder... and then there are the people wandering between the two paths, sometimes tripping over rocks and tree roots and stuff...
I wish people wore name tags that told you whether or not they found you attractive.
Anyway, at the party I remembered my crush on K's brother A and their friend T. And I had to remind myself once again that crushing for straight guys isn't all that productive. I need an "off" button.
I generally try to steer clear of this whole subject. I'm really very comfortable with my sexuality... what I'm not comfortable with is other people's discomfort. And since several of my family members would most likely be uncomfortable with my sexuality, I try not to bring it up. The problem stems from the fact that I'm too non-confrontational and I worry too much about what other people (not people in general, just the people I know) think of me. Although, I don't want to have to hide my long-term boyfriend when I have one... Hmm. Would bringing him to the extended family's Christmas lunch be awkward? Most likely. But it won't be the first time a long-term significant other has come to lunch... Hmm. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. I hope he'll be up to it. I'm sure he'll be up to it. He'll charm them with his clever wit and gentlemanly behavior, and all the girl cousins will be jealous that he's gay. I can picture it now... Please excuse me while I ignore reality for the sake of developing my hallmark card scenario. At any rate, I'm going to college and I might be able to actually have a romantic relationship without worrying about the family reputation... isn't that crazy?
While out on the beach today, a flash of lightning streaked overhead and the thunder roared spectacularly. As everyone rushed out of the water, the thunder continued, and it began to rain. it didn't rain for very long, but it started again later at dinner. The waiter had just taken our plates away when the most spectacular storm swept in, with buckets of rain, and massive amounts of wind, and breathtaking lightning, followed by deafening thunder. We had to orer dessert to pass the time 'til the rain stopped- speaking of which, whoever had the idea to make a mango and raspberry cheesecake is a genius. Anyway, I realized that there's nothing quite like watching a huge thunderstorm when you're safely inside. Eating a nice meal at the same time certainly adds to the general atmosphere.
My parents are at a wedding this weekend, without me. But you know who is there? My adorable niece, C, whom I never get to see since she lives in Maryland. Also, my sister's new boyfriend, whom I have not met. Although I was originally excited about getting to stay at home by myself overnight for the first time ever (I'm 18 and I've never been left at home alone for a period of time that spanned a full 24 hours. This is sad) suddenly I really want to be there. I miss C! You would think that because I was home alone for the ENTIRE weekend I would be able to do whatever I want to... not really, though. I just got my wisdom teeth cut out this week, and although the swelling is almost entirely gone, I still can't open my mouth as wide as I normally can. Also, a large portion of my friends are out of town this weekend, meaning that I can't even have friends over to hang out. So what did I do today? I played video games (J's fault. He loaned me Final Fantasy XII, and I'm hooked. Stop laughing. I know I'm a dork), read, and practiced piano for my job (I'm the pianist for a local church this summer). I still can't shape my mouth right to play the flute with any sort of decent tone, so that's still out the window. Anyway, I'm up at 3:10 in the morning, and my parents would disapprove... and even though they're not here, there's nothing to do. So I'm off to bed.
I got my wisdom teeth cut out on Tuesday. I'm puffy now. I look like a chipmunk and can't chew food well, not because it hurts but because I can't open my mouth very much to fit the food inside. I've eaten a lot of pudding, yogurt, applesauce, and soup. Oh, and those Carnation Instant Breakfast things. Today was supposed to be my peak swelling day, and I really hope that's true. Evidently, when E went back into the operating room to help me out to the car, I was asking for pizza. I don't actually remember that.
I really want to learn another language, particularly Spanish. There's just something about the way it sounds that makes me think of love, strength, and independence.
I told M that I hadn't posted in awhile, and so I would tonight. I hoped I would have something more profound to say. I want to say things that are meaningful, or entertaining, or interesting... but all I can think of is the fact that I've spent the past few days watching Scrubs, playing video games, and reading.
I idealize people too much. It's not healthy, and it leads to disappointment. I really want to have lots of important things to put into the new planner that J got me for graduation, but there's nothing to put in there, yet.
I've been officially out of school for like three days and I already feel adrift.
TO COLLEGE: Get here already.
Why am I imagining Carla Espinoza's voice saying what I type?
You are the only person I know who could possibly begin to imagine that the phrase, "I never want to have anything to do with you again" means that I would want to see you. Well, let me make myself abundantly clear in a way that even you couldn't misunderstand: Your presence in my life has been one of the worst things that could have ever happened to me. I do not like you, even remotely. The only reason I am civil to you when we interact is because you are my brother's mother, and to do otherwise would upset him. However, the fact that you were once married to my father does not mean that you and I are family (and the fact that you have the nerve to put your relationship status as "It's complicated" on facebook merely suggests that you are out of your mind. You've been divorced for well on six years now, and Dad's remarried to a wonderful woman who has loved us and cared for us, which is more that I can say for you. You need to get a grip). You are not my "mommy." If, after the things you did while you were here, you think that I could possibly like you, let alone love you, then you are seriously mistaken. The fact that you actually thought I might want you at graduation only proves further that you are, in fact, delusional. To summarize, I do not want to see you at graduation. I do not want to see you ever. If you can't understand that, then you are either stupid or malicious. I propose it is the latter.
I have a job this summer. I'm going to be the pianist for a local church, since their current pianist is moving back to her home state (one of the Dakotas) after she finishes her degree... which I believe she must have done by now. At any rate, I start in two weeks. I'm kind of nervous. This is the first time I've ever had any sort of steady job. It's only for two and a half months, until I leave, but still. It's kind of cool to see how organized the whole thing is, though... E gave me a sheet with all of the hymns that they'll be doing for two months, and the anthems that I'll need to learn, and some books to look through for preludes and postludes and stuff. Part of my job description is to take the hymns, look at what's written on the page, and improvise. I'm not terribly good at improvisation on the piano, but there's no better way to learn than to be shoved into a situation where it's required of you. And now that I've got all of my scheduled major performances behind me, I can focus on practicing improv... yikes. So anyway, the first hymn I'm going to have to improvise on in front of people is 'His name is Wonderful.' I also have to go play for choir practice twice a week. E says I should use this time to focus on using my arms more... but I'm afraid that I'll be focusing on improvising so much that I'll forget to.