Monday, September 21, 2009

Not Knowing

I may not know what I want or what I'm doing, but I know one thing: I want a way to figure it out.

I kind of dislike my hallway. I can't wait to have my own apartment.

Her request is kind of ridiculous, the more I think about it. What am I supposed to say to her? I haven't talked with her in years and years.

The play today was absolutely fantastic. It provided a very good escape from reality for a few hours.
Just what I needed.

But then I had to deal with Lillian again. Go away. I'm serious.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

When you spend a long time doing something, it becomes difficult to change, even if you want to. Unfortunate, but true. I guess I'm not as comfortable in my skin as I thought I was.

I hate having to turn people down.

I get to take my wrist brace off a week from tomorrow!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Laundry Impressions

I was doing laundry and blowing off the reading that I was attempting to finish, so I decided to look out the window. I saw people going by, and as much as I wanted to go talk to them, I couldn't. So I wrote these instead.

Red hair bobs in curls as you walk, somehow matching your laughter perfectly although
I can't hear it through the glass. You told me that the
Kiss bothered you, and yet you are joyful in a way that radiates off your skin
And illuminates the air around you on such an overcast day.
Just as you walk by with him, I wonder what would have happened if
Our paths had crossed early enough for us to become friends instead of
Establishing our smile-and-keep-going awareness of the other.
Maybe the fact that you choose to go by your middle name is significant.
A negative association with the person whose first name you share? Perhaps.
Rambling thoughts, somehow fascinating. Your hair curls too.
Something makes me curious.

And then three really attractive guys came in, one of whom had an accent that I can't place. Perhaps spanish?
Oh well. My clothes are clean now.


I have "gotten over" being in love with him.
I still love him. I always will. And I'll always be in love with him a little bit. I know that.
But I'm okay with this girl he likes.
And I'm genuinely happy that she makes him happy.
More importantly, I want them to be happy together.
And even though I am still a little in love with him... Even though I am aware that we might not ever work out in any permanent fashion...

I don't grieve that fact. I am perfectly content.
And that brings me to a very relaxing state of bliss.

I will sleep well tonight.

I perform for my studio class tomorrow... AH!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Other People's Expectations

So, when I went to college, I had to decide what I wanted my primary instrument to be. The possibilities were piano, flute, and voice. I nixed voice fairly quickly, reasoning that there would be plenty of voice majors who had been taking lessons for far longer than I had and that I would have lots of catching up to do.

So then there were two: flute and piano. My piano teacher said I should be a piano major. My flute teacher and her husband, my band teacher, said I should be a flute major. Naturally, this put me in a bit of a dilemma. I cheated, and decided to be a piano major taking secondary lessons in flute.

That didn't work out. I was doing too much, and something was going to slip if I didn't let something go... so, I decided (for a number of reasons) that I would drop flute lessons.

Now I'm afraid that I've disappointed my flute and band teachers.

Like, I know that it's ridiculous to think so, because I'm still playing the flute (well, piccolo) in marching band, and I'm still a performance major, albeit with a different instrument.
I also know that I should worry less about what other people think (even if they have played significant parts in my life), considering that I made my decision rationally, and considered and reconsidered for a long time.

I'm a pianist.
I'm going to learn to play the organ.

I dislike partying. Like, there was a foam party (...yes. I know. I think it's a very strangeconcept.) that I could have gone to today, but the idea just kind of freaks me out. I really don't know why, either... it's kind of unfortunate, since that guy I like, J, was there (according to M, who was also there).

There's another J that I like, too.
He's spectacular.

Also a C.

Actually, let's do this: JJCKCJKBKJ.

What do yo do if you like someone with the same name as you? Is that weird?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Monday, September 7, 2009

Have you ever had a very strong sense of wanting something, but you're not completely sure what it is?
If not, it's kind of frustrating.

I kind of miss home a little bit right now.
And yet, this place is also home, and becomes more so every day.

Why does everyone think that my best friend and I are romantically/sexually involved? What part of me liking men do people not understand?
Do I give off straight vibes or something?

Part of the reason that I'm still awake right now has to do with the fact that I really don't want to expend the effort to put sheets on my mattress.

The Sooners lost yesterday, which is sad. But J has magically reappeared... I wonder what happened?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Have you ever made a decision that you really hope you don't regret later?
I did today. I hope it turns out well.
I heard a very interesting piano piece today... I want to perform it.