Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Fear

Last semester, I loved being a music major with all of my heart. Enthusiastically. Without question. Even the bits that weren't so much fun, like getting up early every day to go to theory or aural skills, or having to walk so far to Catlett in the cold weather.

I think I can safely say that the honeymoon phase of college has ended.
This semester has stressed me out beyond my wildest dreams. I've never been the strongest at time management, which was never a problem in high school, because my parents kept me on schedule.

Now that I'm responsible for all of that on my own, I have been thrown into the metaphorical ocean of all that I need to do, and it's sink or swim. Right now I'm at a sort of a doggie-paddle level. I need to be the Michael Phelps of time management.

Now that I'm taking education classes, I find myself critiquing my teachers, and the class system as a whole. So far, I think that Theory and Aural Skills should be combined with Group Piano, and that there should be a placement exam for this new, 3-in-1 class. I know that a significant part of the reason that I don't have problems with theory is the fact that I have such an extensive piano background, and the fact that I have so few problems with aural skills has, in part, to do with the fact that I understand theory so well. I think that giving people the keyboard foundation would help them comprehend theory more efficiently.

In addition to my problems with the current class system, I have discovered this semester how much of a worrier I am. For example, at the moment I am terrified that I will not be able to meet my GPA requirements for the semester, and that I will lose my scholarship, and that I will be forced to go home and that I will never see my friends in Oklahoma again. This is my biggest fear at the moment.
I think they're unbased. I had the same fears last semester, and I far exceeded the GPA requirements.

But dear God. I'm terrified of losing my scholarship.
I can't handle that. I cannot handle leaving this place. If I lose Norman, if I lose the men and women who I have come to love, then I will break.

I'm sorry to dump this out in front of everybody, but I am not brave enough to face that. The combination of my parents' disappointment with my own insecurities without the support system that I have embraced so enthusiastically...
I can't.

I need spring break to get here so I can just relax. Get away from all the stress, and come back ready to start anew.

1 comment:

Corrie Hermans said...

Roberto,
I love you and I believe in you!
I'm always here for you.