Anonymous

I think I know what you're going through, and I want to help if I can.

At the same time, I don't want to pry. I know I wish I could have gone through that at my own pace without other people forcing me along faster than I would have done.

But if you want to talk about whatever, please let me know. I know we haven't talked in awhile, and I know that you're really far away, and that you're probably very busy with this new chapter in your life, but know that I'm just a phone call away.

This is going to be a long one, I apologize. I've been keeping a blog for my Teaching Techniques class, and some of the things there I have posted on here, and some of them I have not. I'm going to consolidate the two right now.

That cellist today...

Oh my goodness. I don't know how I would deal with that kid.

I think it would be interesting to study the differences between the personality types of different instruments and voice parts.

Doctoral thesis?

Perhaps.

___

I hate formal concert attire. I feel that it works to distance the performer from the audience, which is the opposite of the desired effect.

I'm writing an essay on the subject for my expository writing class. Maybe I'll even get a good grade on it...

I saw Taylor Concialdi's post about getting her nose pierced. I kind of want to get my eyebrow pierced (a la Jay Horn), and I also want to dye my hair a crazy color. And get a tattoo.

It really bothers me that doing these things are considered to be unprofessional. I think a professional should be able to wear whatever he or she wants to wear (so long as it doesn't interfere with their performance) without it detracting from their respectability.

I have a vision for my recital: I am barefoot. I've got corduroy pants on, and a button down shirt (the one I have from Jimmy'z) with the sleeves pushed up. The audience sits onstage with me, and I'm sitting at the piano as they come in, to greet them. I'm not sure if I want them to be sitting so they can see my hands, or surrounding me. I'll talk to them between each piece, so they can understand where I'm coming from. It'll be better than program notes!

___

I don't know if I can go three months in North Carolina without seeing my Oklahoma friends.

I mean, it's not that I don't like my North Carolina friends or my family, but I have become very attached to the people here, and I care very deeply about them.

Also, my high school friends make me feel like I'm in high school again.

I don't want to feel like I'm in high school again; I'm not in high school. I'm emotionally through with high school. I took everything that Davie County High School had to offer me, and I have no further business there.

However, I don't know if my parents will let me come back to Oklahoma over summer.

They're just going to have to deal with it when I have an apartment and a job out here.

Also, I have a student lined up (maybe) for next year.

___

So, here's the thing.

I hate rote songs. They irritate me. The very concept behind them irritates me:

rote songs? really?

Rote: the mechanical or habitual repetition of something to be learned.

Why would you ever want music to be learned by rote? Music is something that must be contemplated in order to be worthwhile. If you don't think about the sounds you're making, then they're not really... good. or worthwhile. or useful. or beautiful. or anything.

And then there's the fact that they're so irritatingly dull. I understand that the concepts we're learning with these rote songs can be applied to other things as well... but why can't we do that NOW? I sit there in class, and listen to my peers teach me these songs... and I want to beat my head against a wall.

Also, I've realized that I hate the national standards. I recognize that there needs to be some way to hold teachers accountable for their job, but national standards in a music classroom just strike me as silly.

I honestly don't want them in my classroom. I'd so much rather just teach my kids repertoire that they would enjoy, repertoire that would make them better musicians...

AAAAAH. Does this make me a bad teacher?

Can I be a bad teacher before I've even finished one semester of an ed degree?

Is the purpose of an ed degree to make you fall in love with the stupid national standards or something?

Again: AAAAAAAH I say. AAAAAAAAH.

I hate my research papers. I can do one just fine, but the other one needs to leave me alone. I can't believe I got points taken off because I didn't explicitly state that a song was "slow." REALLY?

I've noticed that I am most likely to post a blog when I am stressed about things. Why is that?

___

I hate writing essays.

I hate writing essays with a time limit even more.

Stupid internet. Before you were invented I could have stayed up all night, and submitting work by midnight didn't matter.

I hate citing sources.

I hate April. Everything always happens in April.

___

I hate the Turabian citation system. Turabian should never have been invented. I want it to go away. Why should I have to cite my sources anyway? Why can't people just trust that I present information factually? Or that wikipedia is a generally reliable source?

STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID ESSAY.

___

It occurred to me the other day in class that the system we're learning in Teaching Techniques is actually quite brilliant. The only reason I was skeptical about it was because I didn't know all that it involved, and we were learning it with rote songs. Now that we have learned more about all five levels of the process, it seems so much more legitimate and brilliant.

___

I got my letters for Phi Mu Alpha today! I am so very glad to be a part of this fraternity. It's been difficult at times being so far away from home, and one of the main things that has gotten me through is the love and support of my brothers, and having them there to listen to me when I'm feeling insecure about something, or when I change my mind about my major YET again...

I know they probably won't see this, but I love you guys.

___

I have gone back and forth about what I want my major to be so many times this semester, it's not even funny. I love the piano, and I'm really glad that it's my primary instrument, but the fact that it doesn't fit very neatly into either choral or instrumental education is a bit frustrating. I started out wanting to do choral because my choir director in high school was like a second mother to me: she was always looking out for my best interests, and making sure that I had opportunities for leadership and development. I really appreciated that she did all of those things for me, and it made me want to be a teacher very much like her.

However, as the semester went on, I discovered that I didn't like taking voice lessons. I love to sing, and I always have. I just began to realize more and more that I liked to sing for my own personal enjoyment. The same way that some people love music but would never dream of being a music major, I felt about voice.

Which is why I have ultimately made the decision to switch to instrumental music education. I still want to be involved in choir throughout my college career (they're doing Carmina Burana next year, for God's sake... why would I not want to do that?), but ultimately I think I will be more comfortable with instrumental education than with vocal education. And whenever there's a really cool choir piece I want to do... I'll just transcribe it.

___

I love to read. But as much as I love to read, the actual amount of reading I do has diminished dramatically since I have come to college. This makes sense, since I have a lot of work that I need to do, and the amount of time I can read things that I want to read is smaller... but it occurred to me today that I will be able to spend a lot more time reading this summer.

BUT I'M GOING TO BE AT HOME, AWAY FROM THE GIGANTIC LIBRARY HERE AT OU.

It's SOOOOOOOO frustrating.

___

I'm a little bit concerned about my future employment. I am an openly gay man in one of the reddest states in the union... and while I think that our country is heading more and more in the direction of not caring about a persons sexual orientation, there are still a lot of people out there who think that I am worse as human being because of the fact that I am gay. These people are certainly entitled to their beliefs, to be sure, and I don't begrudge them that. I simply disagree with them.

However, I intend to become a teacher. At my high school, the job retention of homosexual teachers was not terribly high. While the reasons stated for their terminated employment had nothing to do with their sexuality, I have no doubt that it played into the decision of the administration at my school, at least subconsciously.

There is an unfortunate misconception in many people's minds that being gay means a predilection towards other sexual preferences... like pedophilia. It is my concern that people will be more likely to pin such a label upon me because of my sexuality.

This association can be seen in the recent scandal plaguing the Catholic Church: Vatican Secretary of State Tarciso Bertone recently made remarks calling homosexuality a pathology, and linking that pathology to pedophilia. Additionally, when I first came out to my parents, one of my father's initial reactions was that he would lose custody of my little brother, because having a gay person in the house would put him in danger (I was 13 at the time, mind you).

I don't want to get fired because of my sexual orientation. Some people might suggest that I simply not make my sexual orientation known, however, there is flawed thinking in that argument. Certainly my purpose as a teacher is not to make my sexuality known to my students, however, if the issue comes up, then I'm not going to lie to them, because that means that I am ashamed of my sexuality (which I'm not) and I'm not going to avoid the question, because that also means that I'm ashamed, and it also pretty much tells them that there's something that I don't want them to know anyway, so I might as well just come out and say that I prefer the sexual and romantic company of men to that of women. If the matter does come up, I'll try to be as truthful as possible, as appropriately as possible, in such a way as to move the class' focus back to the lesson at hand.

BUT STILL. I don't want to get fired. And I'm probably being paranoid, and worrying too much about a situation that will probably never present itself.

But at the same time, I can't ignore the fact that most states do not include sexuality in their non-discrimination employment policies.

___

I really want to win the concerto competition while here at OU. I have several concertos picked out that I am going to investigate learning, but I don't want to do something that's too close to the standard repertoire.

Scriabin wrote a piano concerto, and I like the Scriabin left-hand piece I learned last semester.

Daugherty wrote a piano concerto for piano and wind ensemble, and it's based thematically around trains, which would be AWESOME because I was absolutely obsessed with trains when I was little. Also, playing with a wind ensemble would just be cool. Daugherty also wrote the Metropolis Symphony, which I thoroughly enjoy.

Saint-Säens wrote several pieces for piano and orchestra that I thoroughly enjoy.

Ginastera wrote a piano concerto, but I don't know how hard it is. I've never heard it.

What to do?

___

Choir is doing Carmina Burana next year, and we'll be doing it in collaboration with the School of Dance. I'm so excited. I also heard that we'd be doing the Beethoven Choral Fantasy, which is a really cool piece because it combines all of the things I love most about music: playing the piano, singing, and working in a large ensemble. Also, it's Beethoven. (Read: Also, it's ABSOLUTELY AWESOME.)

___

I'm applying for an officer position in CMENC for next year. I feel a bit strange about that because I wasn't officially in CMENC this year, and I only went to one meeting... and going from like zero involvement to officer position is going to be a bit strange. But I think it would be cool. Let's see how that plays out.

___

Stuff I'm going to try to achieve in the upcoming year, including this summer:

Piano trio- learn at least two works for trio, establish the way we work as an ensemble so we can figure how we're going to work out in upcoming years. We need to come up with a name for our trio.

Play for Stephen Collins' voice lessons.

Pass my sophomore barriers.

Be involved in CMENC (maybe an officer?)

Be involved in Phi Mu Alpha

Enter in concerto competition

Learn a new instrument to play in pride (this summer, preferably trombone, but mellophone would be cool, too)

Arrange a song into a soloistic piano transcription of that song

Learn Nathan Daughtrey's piece for next year's American Music Recital

Give my own recital, possibly include Nathan Daughtrey's piece and one of the pieces from the piano trio

Start giving lessons, maybe?

Become a tour guide for the school of music

Perhaps take organ lessons?

Make nothing less than a B in any of my classes

:)

___

Sorry about the MASSIVE nature of that. I applaud you for getting to the end.

This news should not make me as happy as it does, but I'm SO ECSTATIC right now.

I can't wait until it happens. This is a positive development for all people involved, I think.

My Classes

Theory: Should not be so early in the morning. It's a poor system that this class, which provides useful information to my profession, is only offered at 8:30 in the morning. In years previous, the theory classes were staggered: freshman theory at 8:30, sophomore theory at 9:30, junior theory at 10:30. This way, you were rewareded as you went along. However, that system is no longer in place. They're all at 8:30. THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA. That idea is almost as terrible as starting each and every class period with a quiz. Especially when you only have 2 minutes to complete that quiz. That quiz the other day DEMANDED more than two minutes. The fact that I didn't finish the quiz is not a reflection upon my understanding of the assignment, it's a reflection of the fact that writing all of the stuff it required simply took more time than was alotted to me. If I'd had another 30 seconds, I would have finished.

Aural Skills: Same, except it starts at 8 in the morning instead of 8:30. Who thought that singing for a grade was a good idea at 8 in the morning? Also, why is it so much more difficult to make it to this class on time than it is to make it to theory on time? I get up an hour before both of them, and I'm constantly sliding into the door for Aural Skills as class starts. What's up with that? Dictation is cruel. I can see how it improves our ear, but I don't see why the actual practice of dictation is necessary. This class should be combined with Theory into a single course, and it should be offered in the afternoon. And then that class should have a placement exam.

Music in Culture: This class is such a pain, especially lately. This essay that we had assigned to us is flat out dumb. It was optional in years previous, and it should have stayed that way. Turabian is a stupid citation system; why can't we use MLA or APA like the rest of the world? Also, ****** is clearly very knowledgeable in her field, but she needs to remember that we do not have her knowledge base, so when she makes vague references to subjects that we're not currently discussing, and then uses those subjects as a springboard to launch herself onto a tangent vaguely related to what we had been talking about before, we all get lost. Also, citing facts for an essay is obnoxious when the essay is on a subject that you already know things about. When you've learned enough about a subject, all of the information begins to meld into your head, and having to go seek out a source that agrees with information you already know is a pain. Oh dear God, is it a pain.

Expository Writing: I really hope I make at least an 85 on that essay I just turned in. I really hope I can think of something to write about for my assignment due Monday. I really hope I come out of that class with at least a B. It's been absolutely fascinating, and I really like the teacher, but that class is kicking my butt. I've never spent so much time on a writing assignment (especially not on the paper for Music and Culture) as I have on the argumentative research paper I just turned in. Also, having to write two research papers at once, when one is about a subject you really care about and will be graded quite severely, and the other one is kind of "meh" to you, is a terrible TERRIBLE situation.
Especially when you throw in...

Choir: A massive concert that occurs the weekend after both of those assignments are due. We're singing Mendelssohn's Elijah. The piece is gorgeous, and I'm thrilled to finally be singing a major work with an orchestra (since I was sick for the entire week leading up to the Mozart Requiem last semester), but that piece is a monster. I've never been so tired after a piece of music in my life. I'm super excited for the concert tomorrow (although it means that I'm having to miss being in the ΦMA date auction).

Voice Lessons: Uh uh. Don't even get me started.

Piano Lessons: I have never had a bad lesson with my piano teacher. I always leave my lesson feeling like a rock star, even though I know that I have a lot of work to do to get better. Enough said.

Piano Skills: eh? It's okay? There are times when it's irritating, but I can deal with it.

Teaching Techniques: Although I'm suddenly, surprisingly, a huge fan of the system we're learning (despite the fact that we're learning it with rote songs), I am not the biggest fan of some of the assignments we have to do for this class. Like blogs. I don't like being told when to write blogs. I like to do them when I feel moved to do so. Like right now. Also, taskstream. So dumb. Especially since the scanner hates me, and I can't scan any of the things I need to scan (which is everything).

Concert Band: Is a lot of fun, and gives me the opportunity to play under the baton of someone I admire and respect. She is the newest addition to the list of music teachers I hope to emulate one day.

ΦMA and TH10: I love you guys dearly. I'm going to miss you this summer.

as;ldfkasjd;lfkj

So, here's the thing.
I hate rote songs. They irritate me. The very concept behind them irritates me:
rote songs? really?
Rote: the mechanical or habitual repetition of something to be learned.
Why would you ever want music to be learned by rote? Music is something that must be contemplated in order to be worthwhile. If you don't think about the sounds you're making, then they're not really... good. or worthwhile. or useful. or beautiful. or anything.
And then there's the fact that they're so irritatingly dull. I understand that the concepts we're learning with these rote songs can be applied to other things as well... but why can't we do that NOW? I sit there in class, and listen to my peers teach me these songs... and I want to beat my head against a wall.

Also, I've realized that I hate the national standards. I recognize that there needs to be some way to hold teachers accountable for their job, but national standards in a music classroom just strike me as silly.
I honestly don't want them in my classroom. I'd so much rather just teach my kids repertoire that they would enjoy, repertoire that would make them better musicians...

AAAAAH. Does this make me a bad teacher?
Can I be a bad teacher before I've even finished one semester of an ed degree?
Is the purpose of an ed degree to make you fall in love with the stupid national standards or something?

Again: AAAAAAAH I say. AAAAAAAAH.

I hate my research papers. I can do one just fine, but the other one needs to leave me alone. I can't believe I got points taken off because I didn't explicitly state that a song was "slow." REALLY?

I've noticed that I am most likely to post a blog when I am stressed about things. Why is that?

I have written three essays for my expository writing class.

Two have been graded, and one will be graded in the upcoming two weeks.

I feel very very strongly about the one which I will take to my teacher tomorrow, but I felt strongly about the last two I turned in as well.

The first one was a B.

I can handle that.

The second one was a C.

I'm not so enthusiastic about that one.

Let's shoot for an A, shall we? I think an A would be lovely. You have to understand that I abhor grades. I was in an educational situation once (North Carolina Governor's School) where there were no grades, where the students learned for the sake of learning. That was absolutely wonderful.

However, reality has hit me that without grades, there isn't a realistic way to evaluate a student's progress in a class. Do I like that fact? No. Do I think there could be a way developed in the future? Yes, and I hope that happens. However, for right now, grades are here to stay.

And since they're here... I might as well try to make good ones.

I felt so strongly about the other two papers, though. I really thought I was going to do well on them. So the fact that I feel strongly about this one as well is freaking me out just a little bit.

I love the process that I have been going through for the past few months. I feel that I have grown as a man and as a musician, and I hope that is reflected in my life.

S, J, and I need to sign our housing lease! NOW!

April

April is the worst month in the world for musicians. There are a million different concerts that happen in April. If you know a musician in any capacity, please forgive them if they're rude in April.

Six days until ritual! I'm so excited.

I'm going to see a Bach concert today.

I'm also going to help my friend S celebrate his birthday today.

I thought I was a good writer before I took expository writing.

I hope I get a good grade on this essay.