Thursday, December 25, 2008

3 Sadness

There's a boy I like.
We shall call him 3.
I'll explain why:
There are exactly three boys who I love. Boys who I care about deeply, and, although they may not share the exact same feelings toward me, I care about them and wish them every happiness, even if it's not necessarily with me. These began as crushes, developed into friendships with undertones of attraction, and further developed into love. Each one has taken a different amount of time to reach these qualifications, and my feelings towards each of them are different, but I love all three of them.
Once I love somebody, I love them forever. I may be able to push it to the back of my mind when I haven't seen them for awhile, but I still think about them whenever I see things that I associate with them (places, people, religions, colleges, authors, characters, songs, musical instruments, colors, etc.).
In short, I don't (romantically) love people in a very healthy manner.
We are going to call the boy in question 3 because he was the third one to enter the picture. Rather simple, actually.

In the past year, I told 3 how I felt about him, as I did with 2 and 1. He didn't feel the same way about me (He turned me down in such a sweet way)(... Did I really just say that? Wow. I'm hopeless.), and after that initial awkwardness passed, we became friends again, if somewhat more distant.
Now that you have the generic, identity-free background to the story, let me begin.

One of the scenarios I picture with boys that I love is similar to one in Casino Royale.

You know the one, where Bond goes into the bathroom and finds Vesper sitting in the shower in her evening gown, crying/in shock? And Bond goes and holds her?

I always pictured something like that. One of us (usually me, at first, because all three of the other boys are taller than me) is in need of some SERIOUS comfort, and the boy just sits next to me and holds me without saying anything, like in the movie.
I don't usually think about it in reversed terms, with the boy being the one that needs consoling, but today I did.
I was talking to 3 on an instant messaging service (the most personal of all methods of communication. yeah right.), catching up because I hadn't talked to him in a while, and all of a sudden he tells me that he can't talk right now because he's crying in his room and can't really handle shit at the moment.
At which point I imagined the above scene with the roles reversed. More than anything, I wanted to be in the room with him, helping him through whatever it was he needed to get through.

And I couldn't.

Physically, he was too far away.

Emotionally, he didn't like me like that, so it wouldn't be very effective.

And I want to express this desire to comfort to him, while acknowledging his lack of desire for it to come from me, and it's really difficult to do that through a stupid IM.

So he had to sit in his room alone, and cry. For whatever reason.

On Christmas. I couldn't even give him that.

Love sucks.

3, if you ever read this, I do love you. I do care about you.
I realize it's kind of odd, given the circumstances, but I do.

Merry Christmas, everybody.

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