Uncertainty

So...

I'm having faith issues.

And I don't know why...

Like... I do believe that Jesus is the son of God and that he's coming again, etc.

I've asked Jesus into my heart.

I meant it when I asked for it.

I see evidence of God's awesomeness every day, so that's not in question.

I don't feel that I do bad things...

I don't feel like I pray as much as I should (basically, it's prayers at night with my little brother. Sometimes. And if I'm really nervous about something), but I intend to pray more. I just hope I actually keep this resolution...

I'm gay. That's a whole issue on its own... I used to think I'd resolved that. In theory, I have. In reality, I'm afraid that I'm justifying my sin? (If it's a sin? I still can't believe that it is. But... there's always that nagging sense of guilt. Is that my conscience? Is that God? Is He speaking through my conscience?)

Why do I feel so uncertain about everything?

My aunt believes that my wreck was God's way of trying to get my attention. Well... I'm paying attention now. What is it?

Why can't this be simple?

I still have issues talking about my faith... I think that's because Lillian was such a negative influence, and all of her shit was about her twisted view of Christianity.

There are so many people that have done so many horrible things in the name of God.

Is that why I get annoyed with those little pamphlets that people leave in bathroom stalls? With televangelists? With people praying out loud? I sometimes feel like they're all done for pretentious reasons. Like... I feel that praying is a private matter, and praying in front of other people is sometimes done more for show rather than for actual religious reasons.

But if something is private, usually there's a reason that you don't want people there.

Why should I feel that it's something to hide? I don't feel I'm hiding it, but I don't want to feel like I'm putting up a front.

I don't want to be one of those people that just goes through the motions.

I'm so confused...

I really wish I could just have a spoken conversation with God where he would say specifically to me, without any room for interpretation: "This is what you're doing right in your life, and this is what I want you to change. Here's your checklist for the rest of your life. Follow it: that's my plan for you. I'll check in later to see if you have any questions."

I feel a little better after writing this.

If anybody reads this, please pray for me. I'm not sure what's going on right now.