Durham

I love love love Durham, NC. I went to visit my friend C yesterday, because her theatre group, the Durham Savoyards was putting on a production of Gilbert and Sullivan's The Gondoliers. I met C at her house, and then we went to go eat at the Mad Hatter's, which is this coffee/café place.
I'm just going to go ahead and say that I love how Durham has stuff to do. There are all of these really cool restaurants and shops that I saw when I was hanging out with K (after C had to go in for hair and makeup and stuff). We don't have anything like the Mad Hatter or Locopops or anything near where I live. (Maybe in Winston, but I don't spend enough time in Winston to know where anything cool is.)
Do you ever go to see someone who you remember that you really liked, but when you see them again, you're strongly reminded why?
That happened with C and K. They're amazing, and I love them.
I also got to meet C's boyfriend, B. I was really glad I got the chance too, since everything I'd heard about him from C was good. He was really nice and very sweet. Cute, too. He was also in the show.
Although, I think it's cool that I could TOTALLY get back to C's house without directions now.

I've begun planning for prom in earnest. I know it's not for another 47 days (yes, I have a countdown on my computer) but I really like this process of figuring out who's in the group I'm going with, where we're going to eat, where we're going for pictures, and everything. My friend G is an event planner, and she seems to really like her job, so I'm thinking about maybe doing that if music doesn't work out.
I'm thinking about a lot of things if music doesn't work out, actually: culinary school, event planner, sign language interpreter (even though I don't speak- speak? is that the right term?- sign language)...

That was kind of a rambly post. Sorry about that.

Disturbed

The North Carolina General Assembly is approving the state budget soon. Unfortunately, they're considering cutting the funding for Governor's School in half. This would eliminate one of the campuses, so there would no longer be GSE and GSW, there would just be GS, like there was before '78. Having gone to GS, I feel very strongly that the budget should not be cut. I understand that times are hard all around, but surely there are other ways to cut back. Governor's School is by far the best educational experience I've ever had, and is one of the best general experiences I've ever had. I'm having difficulty verbalizing what it is I feel; that's how much this bothers me. I'm writing a letter to the general assembly... I might call Julia Howard. No, I WILL call Julia Howard. Like, this bothers me more than the defense of marriage bill, which is kind of wierd, because the defense of marriage bill affects me personally, and the GS budget cut doesn't, since I've already been to Governor's School.
I'm having trouble with my letter, because it should be consise, but compelling at the same time. Normally I don't have issues with that, but this time... I feel so stongly about this that I can't say what it is that I need to say.
Luther Setzer is making it worse. This guy went to GS in the '80s and evidently he didn't like it. He's going on ad nauseum about how a Dual Enrollment course could be more useful to a potential student because it gives you college credit hours in whatever, and blah blah blah. Granted, the facts behind the points he makes are correct. However, he's an anti-social person. He said so himself. Of COURSE being on a campus with 400 people who you're kind of supposed to interact with for six weeks is going to be unpleasant if you don't like being around people... it just... ah.
I can't even say it. He's so unbelievably irritating. And what makes it worse is the fact that he's not only presenting his opinion in an intelligent, consice, and respectful way, and that makes it so difficult for me to dislike him and dismiss what he has to say.
I just don't understand, even if you didn't like it, the vast majority of the people who attended DID like it. Why would you argue with the people who are trying to save it when it's not going to affect you in the slightest?
It's just so irritating.

And I don't know how to flirt. Twice in the past few weeks I've been hit on by a cute guy, and I had absolutely no idea what to do. Evidently I flirt shamelessly with girls, but I don't know that I'm doing it. AAAAAAAAH.

I've been pent up inside all day. It frustrates me.
Can you tell?

Twitter

Hannan, Coffee, and the New Yorker

I am not hugely familiar with british politics, but watching Daniel Hannan tear the Prime Minister a new one was rather entertaining. He's got a degree in modern history (isn't that an oxymoron?).

I am boycotting Moby's, a local Christian coffeeshop. Why, you ask? They refuse to serve Pepsi products on the grounds that Pepsi openly supports gay rights. Certainly that is their prerogative... Just like it's my prerogative to drive an extra ten minutes to Starbucks. Their coffee tastes better anyway.

I subscribe to the New Yorker, because it is an intellegently written, interesting magazine. However, I rarely have time to read it. If you stacked up the issues of the magazine that I've actually read something out of next to the ones that I have neglected, the neglected pile would be significantly taller.
This makes me feel kind of like a phony. Oh well... I like it when I have the chance to read it.

P.S. I have the info on the Moby's thing from a friend of mine who works there.

The Hour of Man

"Suppose that we all considered ourselves members of, not an organization, but an ancient, durable order, the only one that we can truly give allegiance to - humanity. Supposing that, instead of blame and censure, or judgement and punishment, we met deviations and aberrations of the norm with sympathy and understanding, with a desire to aid rather than a desire to protect ourselves. Supposing we based our security solely upon the certitude of mutual aid. Supposing we scrapped the web of complicated laws in which we are now hopelessly enmeshed and substituted the unwritten law that no cry of distress, no appeal for help, should go unnoticed. Is not the instinct to aid one another just as strong, stronger indeed than the impulse to condemn? Do we not suffer from the disuse of this instinct, from it's usurpation by the state and charitable organizations of every kind? If we knew, in brief, that whatever our plight, whatever the cause of it, we had to but announce it and we would be succored, would not most of the ills which now plague us fall away by themselves? Are we not all victims of fear and anxiety precisely because we lack faith in one another? And more so because we lack the intelligence to recognize a power and wisdom greater than our own?"

Henry Miller

I stole this from my friend B, who posted it in a note on facebook.

Soup

Please forgive the instant message format, but I didn't feel like fixing it.

There was this book I read once, called "Adverbs." It's by David Handler. It's sort of a collection of short stories that may or may not be related, depending on how you look at it.
There was this one part where some characters were sitting in a diner, and I don't remember anything else except that the author made an association between not communicating what you feel to someone you're trying to talk to and not putting up a sign that you're selling the homemade vegetable soup that you stayed up late making.
I felt so bad for the imaginary, nameless character who no doubt had his or her feelings hurt that nobody wanted their soup, when reallby nobody knew about it at all. All that pain could have been averted with a little handwritten sign. But then what if nobody wanted the soup even with the sign, then they would feel even worse about themselves.
what then?

I think about things way too much. Really, the entire moment lasted about two lines, and I read it like three years ago. And yet, that's the part of the story I remember most vividly.

Why is that?

Wordle

My friend J showed me this, and I thought it was really cool. It's a word cloud of the words on my blog.
How awesome is that?

Oh, and one more thing

Texting, while a very convenient form of communication in some circumstances (i.e. church, school, awards ceremonies, other circumstances where you need to talk to someone but can't whip out your phone to do so because it is socially uncouth, or times when what you need to say doesn't merit an entire conversation with pleasantries, like "hey, what time is the meeting tonight?" or "where's my [fill in the blank]" or other brief enquiries), generally, I don't want to have a conversation by typing on a phone pad. Small talk via text? not so much.

Assorted thoughts

• Don't look in the trashcan in bathrooms that do not belong to you, no matter how curious what that cardboard box used to contain.
• You know those gigantic hershey's kisses? They're a bad idea. I mean, they taste good, don't get me wrong, but their shape is not conducive to biting off a piece and eating it.
• Scrubs is amazing. Has anybody else noticed the Freud-lookalike character wandering around the hospital at times, though? I keep looking for significance to the timing of his characters appearances (stupid Honors Psychology...) and I'm not doing to great. I really think there might be something to it in that episode in Season 1 where Eliott meets the really hot patient and they finally start going out, and at SOME point in that episode she's talking to Carla (I think) and she stands up and walks away in a hurry and runs into the guy. I don't remember what was said leading up to this, but there has to be something there!
• I competed in my first ever piano competition today, and I came in second place out of four. The girl who won played Chopin's polonaise in C# minor, and it was absolutely beautiful. Her musical control was astounding, and she CLEARLY won. I kind of wish I knew her better, because I want to develop a relationship with her where we become friendly rivals, pushing each other to new heights... I talked to the girl for a total of five minutes and I'm probably never going to see her agian. But dammit I want that kind of relationship with somebody!
  
• I'm building my future repertoire list. I think it should be longer than it is. If you have suggestions, let me know.
  
• It is very difficult to watch someone you care for make what you feel is a wrong decision, especially of a romantic nature. Even more so if you are trying to come to terms with the fact that you and he will probably never happen.
• There's something inherently narcissistic abot keeping a blog. I mean, the entire thing functions on the principle that someone out there actually cares about your unsolicited opinion on a subject that they may or may not want to know about. One could make the argument that it serves as a journal of sorts, and one keeps it for posterity's sake, but that would be a load of bull, because you can keep an actual journal if you wanted to do that. Regardless, I'm glad that you, who are currently reading this, actually care what I have to say. For that, I thank you.
• The word "narcissism" and it's various forms are awkward to say and write. The repeated "s" makes you stop and think, hmm. Have I said enough "s"es? And then when you haven't, or if you've said too much, you feel stupid.
• My online english "class" from last semester, which was a source of much annoyance in my life, has left an impression on me. The only think I learned in the entire thing came from the writing assignments we were given... "Remember, when you make mistakes in grammar and spelling, you mock your own convictions."
• I want to write my own music, but I'm terrified that I will suck at it. Also, I'm impatient, and don't want to take the time to actually notate whatever it is I write.
• One of the things I will miss most about home when I go to Indiana is the cooking. E has spoiled us. Those mashed potatoes last night were outstanding... I'm just glad I'll be home for my birthday (most likely) so I can get homemade carrot cake for that.
  

Sleepwalking?

The first thing I distinctly remember from this morning is the water in the shower not being warm enough, and me thinking, "Crap, we ran out of hot water." Then I adjusted it (eyes half-open) and it warmed up to my usual temperature.
I don't remember actually turning the water on. I also don't remember walking into the bathroom and turning on the light. I sort of remember Dad telling me that it was time to go to school, but I couldn't tell you anything about that, except that I vaguely remember that something like that might have happened.

Anyway, I showered and got dressed. While getting dressed, I looked at my clock to see how much time I had until I had to go to school, and it said 2:33.


hmm... the power must have gone off last night. (nevermind that the clock wasn't blinking.)

So I finished dressing, and started to go downstairs, realizing that it was really dark outside, and there were no lights on inside at all. So I look at my phone, see that it really is 2:33... and crawl back into bed.

AH. My body doesn't want me to get a good night's sleep.
I've only done anything like that once before, when I was really little. I was staying at Grandmommy's house, and I woke up in the dark green chair she has (really comfortable, think overstuffed rocking chair with a corduroy surface). I was wearing dark green plaid pajamas, so I guess I blended in with the chair, but I woke up and Grandmommy was looking for me. Like, walking right past me looking for me. I have no idea how I got there...

Oh well.

It's been a sort of a tiring day. The whole wierd-night-of-sleep thing didn't quite hit me until third period. Then I took a nap in fourth.

Oklahoma

So, I have decided upon the University of Oklahoma for college. Whenever I tell people this, they inevitably say something along these lines:

"Oklahoma?!?!?!?!? But... that's so far away!"
(Because I was unaware of this.)
"Why Oklahoma? What could possibly be out there?"
(A good school, for one thing. A fantastic Native American culture. Oklahoma City, and the restaurant Abuelo's. A whole new place that I haven't explored yet, so ask me that question AFTER I come back from being out there for awhile.)(Also, consider the very likely possibility that if a high-school student in Oklahoma announced to his friends that he wanted to go to UNC-Chapel Hill, they'd probably say something to the effect of, "North Carolina? What could possibly be out there?" We all know that there is plenty out here, so the question does not merit asking simply because you are unfamiliar with the area.)
And inevitably...

"OOOOOOOOOOOKlahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain..."
(Please understand that I abhor the musical "Oklahoma." I, who love musical theatre, think it should not have been written. You are hardly the first person who has made this connection, and I'd appreciate not being reminded every two seconds that I'm going to a state that has a musical written about it.)

(Some people have even said variations on the theme of "Are there actually gay people in Oklahoma?" Really, people? Not the reason to choose a college. And besides... It's COLLEGE. There are gay people at college. It just kind of happens that way. Besides, there's a musical theatre school... did I say that out loud? Oops.)

However, they are right when they say it is very far away. This has been kind of a difficult decision to make, because I have so many people here who I will miss deeply. Especially considering the fact that I JUST met many people who I care about deeply this past summer at Governor's School, and had initially hoped that I might be going to college with some of them, so I could continue to cultivate those relationships. And now I'm faced with the prospect of going to a school where absolutely nobody knows who I am. While that sort of anonymity has its appeal in a way, the thing that you must realize is that I have NEVER been somewhere where nobody knew who I was for more than a week. I'm kind of afraid. I have this option to recreate myself if I should so desire, and I'm completely unsure about what I might want to put on such a canvas.

Where I go to college is by far the largest decision I have made up to this point in my life. I think I have chosen well, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier. I'm going to be going away, exploring what's out there in the world, and praying that I succeed in my first serious venture into independance.

I'm excited, but I'm also very nervous.

Please understand that I'll miss everyone, but I have to do this. P went to college in New York, and he now lives in Maryland, so it's not like I'll be the first person in my family to go far away after graduating high school. Granted, he had a very good reason for wanting to get very far away from home, but I feel that if I don't get out of my geographical location now, I never will. I do not want to live here my entire life. I love North Carolina, and even Davie County, despite how much I may complain about it, but I need to go find what else is out there. I don't want to be locked in for the rest of my life, and if I don't set out now, when will I?

I know that it can be difficult to stay in touch with someone who has moved far away, and friendships become a little bit awkward, but know that I still care about you all, and even if we do fall out of contact, I'm still going to think of you as my friend, and I always will.

There's so much more that I want to say, but I can't think of how to say it. Perhaps that's because it's 2 in the morning. At any rate, I'm going to go to bed, and try to make the most of the time I have left here at home before I have to go.

Goodnight everyone, and I love you.

I dislike titles

I had auditions this weekend for all-state band. I found out the results today... (drumroll)



... and I didn't get in. On one hand, I'm disappointed because this is my last chance to make all state band. But on the other hand, I'm not phenomenally disappointed because it doesn't matter all that much. I'm going to college and it's going to be awesome. Speaking of college, dad suggested other double-major possibilities today: Economics or English. I think I'm pretty much set on going to OU. And yes, K. I will continue writing here. You can come visit whenever you want to :)

Psychologists think way too much. Some things simply do not need to be explained.

I will be glad when festival is over. You can only play three pieces of music for so long before you want to put them in a shredder. You know, for something called "festival," it's really not all that festive. It actually causes rather high levels of stress.

I wore flip-flops today, albeit briefly. I love when the weather starts to get warmer.

My shampoo is the same blue-green as his hair when I met him first. Why am I awkward?

Things I like

As promised, I'm writing about positive things.

Things that i like today:
(where did the button for a bulleted list go? hmm.)

the way your hair feels after you've conditioned it.
putting on clean jeans after you've just taken a shower.
the fact that the weather is getting warmer and breezier.
playing piano.
sharpies.
Beethoven sonatas.
classical public radio.
the paintings at my piano teacher's house by that artist I can never remember the name of.

Dr. Seuss wasn't as innocent as people would have us believe.

Yay War Propaganda.

I intended to write another anonymous complaint, and then I realized that the only time I ever write on this thing is when I'm annoyed about something.
For that I am sorry. I promise, I do have good days. I actually generally enjoy life and the people around me. I'll try to write more positive, uplifting, and/or funny things.

But until then:

To the Trumpet player at all-state auditions today: NOBODY wants to hear you play your trumpet in a disgusting way that would make small children cry. Don't get me wrong: I like the sound of trumpets. However, intentionally playing as loud and high as you can just so you can "show off" is not appreciated by anybody in the room. Personally, I don't see WHY you would want people to think you play that way. It's irritating, and it makes you seem like a douche.